NHL Commanders: A G.I. Joe Story

In the summer we can always bank on two things, heat and blockbuster movies. Well, at least around the New York area we can still expect some blockbuster movies, since it seems to rain everyday around here. With it being August and summer headed into the home stretch, the last big movie of the summer is G.I. Joe. The latest of the biggest trend in the movie industry, to take a child’s show or cartoon and make it into a movie and put it on the big screen. G.I. Joe was for years the little boys equivalent to Barbie and if you weren’t a fan of Joe, than you were missing out on some of the best action figure madness you could ever imagine (with the exception of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).

Since G.I. Joe star Channing Tatum is basically going to be the  new heart throb for women everywhere from this attempt at a colt classic following, I figured if this guy can get a career boost from this movie because he may look like a Joe character, I would take a look at some players within the NHL that could be in the movie as well, based on their resemblance to a Joe character. The NHL has some of the wildest looking players in all of sports and come playoff time when those beards are as full as a thicket bush, it holds an even stronger argument. Hockey holds claim as the most diverse sport as far as player nationality is concerned (in this country). That right there is the reason the league has so many unique faces and styles.

Let’s take a a gander at who would be able to fulfill a spot in the sequel to G.I. Joe (which there of course will be) from the NHL, based on similarity in the looks department and by their style of play. Would these guys be able to make the transition from fighting on ice with sticks and fists, to fighting all over the world with rockets and bullets? I’d be willing to bet that out of any kind of athlete, a hockey player would be the most willing to try, as well as the most likely to succeed. They have the hand eye coordination for hand to hand combat, they have plenty of speed for running down their enemies, they possess plenty of power (both upper and lower) and they are world traveled, so they can be familiar to any location the G.I. unit takes them.

G.I. Joe Character: Blowtorch

NHL Player: Zedeno Chara

Blowtorch is in charge of the team’s flamethrower. Naturally I chose for this position, the man with the hardest shot in the NHL, Zedeno Chara. Chara has registered shots above 100 MPH and that is as close to a flamethrower in the NHL as it comes. Imagine being a goalie and seeing a clear path between you and Chara as he winds up and blasts that vulcanized rubber right at your face. I would sure feel the heat from that flamethrower as it blew by me.

G.I. Joe Character: Duke

NHL Player: Evgeni Malkin

What is the comparison here between Duke and Malkin? Well Duke is second in command on the Joe team. That is exactly what Malkin is on Pittsburgh, second in command to Sid the Kid. Granted, Duke more than likely possesses more leadership skills than Malkin does, however, Malkin is so skilled, that whenever Crosby is out of the lineup, he doesn’t need to be that vocal leader, he can just take everything onto his shoulders and lead on the ice.

G.I. Joe Character: Low Light

NHL Player: Martin Brodeur

I hate to say it, but Low Light was a character that was haunted by nightmares. Some may be reading this and are confused by the player choice I made. However, Broduer has not had a solid finish to his past few seasons. The Devils have not been successful in the playoffs over the last few years and until Brodeur makes his next run into the finals or wins another cup, I think he is going to be “haunted” by the way the previous season has ended. In no way am I saying his skills have diminished because Low Light was still able to perform his job, but was still effected by his past. Last season ended in a horrifying manner, so it will have to be this season for Brodeur to put the lid on those nightmares.

G.I. Joe Character: Mutt (in charge of dogs)

Player: Mike Vick

Not an NHL player, but I just had to do it.

G.I. Joe Character: Roadblock

NHL Player: George Laraque

There can be arguments that Laraque isn’t the best enforcer in the league, but, the fact that Roadblock is African-American would make Laraque the best choice for a G.I. Joe movie. Laraque is by no means a slouch though and since he is only 32,  he would be the best choice for this part.

G.I. Joe Character: Shipwreck

NHL Player: Sean Avery

Shipwreck is a loudmouth sailor. This could not have been an easier choice for me. Avery even looks like shipwreck, plus has his loud mouth attitude. He even has that dramatic flare for Hollywood, he would fit in perfectly for this movie.

G.I. Joe Character: Snow Job

NHL Player: Mike Commodore

Commodore is from Fort Saskathawan, Alberta, Canada. That is up there in Canada, so the “snow job” role would come easily considering he grew up in a pretty fierce environment for cold weather. Also, Snow Job appears to be a ginger with red facial hair, something Commodore has shown us in all of it’s glory.

G.I. Joe Character: Bazooka

NHL Player: George Parros

Parros is practically the spitting image of Bazooka. That ‘stache is something we can all appreciate. A mustache is something people see in passing and just say to themselves “wow, I would never sport that, but damn I love seeing them”. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that Parros is a tough guy and gets involved in the scrappy situations of the game. I could definitely see this guy with a loaded rocket launcher on his shoulder and chewing away on a piece of gum before he obliterates something.

G.I. Joe Character: Cobra Commander

NHL Player: Alexander Ovechkin

It only helps that Ovie wears that smoke visor to pick him as Cobra Commander. Cobra Commander is hell bent on ruling the world and the Joe team always stood in his way. Well Ovechkin actually can take over the NHL world and no one could stop him. He is already in the process of it and well on his way to successfully owning this league as his own. Everyone loves a villain, but I don’t consider Ovechkin a villain, however, he is the best fit for this part.

G.I. Joe Character: Destro

NHL Player: Mats Sundin

Destro plays an evil character and in no way does Sundin em-bide that, but the similarity is uncanny, that I had to choose Mats. If ever given the opportunity though, I could see the Swede rising to the occasion to add a little flare for the dramatic.

G.I. Joe Character: Dr. Mindbender

NHL Player: Glen Sather

Okay, he isn’t an NHL player, but the guy has been responsible for many “creations” within the Ranger organization. When Mindbender creates something, it usually fails. Sather has had the same run of bad luck unfortunately, with some exceptions of course. The Rangers goalie and the young guys (Dubinsky, Callahan, Staal) are all working out for them. But, the trades, the lucrative contracts, and the free agent signings have all seemed to hit the wall before. Gomez, Redden, Drury, all given big deals and none of which have seemed to work out for them. Let’s not forget when he came to the Rangers and got rid of beloved Rangers Leetch and Graves only to bring in Pavel Bure, Eric Lindors and Bobby Holik, all of whom became absolute busts for them. Furthermore, Sather may not be a maniacal mad man like Mindbender is, but ask some Ranger fans either then or now and they may feel just fine comparing Sather to him.

Alright guys, there it is. I did my best to add some humor as well as some legitimate hockey comparisons to what would be an intense situation within the world of G.I. Joe. These guys are hockey players and not actors, so the transition to acting probably would make the sequel terrible, but if all they had to do was fight, shoot, attack, all without speaking…well than it could make for a great film. In all seriousness though, I hope you enjoyed my team of NHL commanders.