(Writers Note: This article is meant to be satire and nothing more. If you cannot handle it do not read it.)
Happy Festivus, New Jersey Devils fans! Yes, I know I am a little late on that. I am just like the team we have seen this season; completely disappointing and showing up at unimportant times. But I am still happy to be celebrating Festivus with all of you fans. Oh, you do not know what that is? Google it.
Now that you are aware of what this blessed holiday is all about, let’s begin. As you see we start with the airing of grievances. I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE! AND NOW, YOU ARE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!
Mark Recchi
I think your powerplay stinks. You might just be the single worst power play coach the New Jersey Devils have ever had in their 39-year existence. Seven shorthanded goals against and we are not even halfway through the season, that is the epitome of pathetic. When the team is spending half of their man advantage in the defensive zone that is when you should realize there is a problem and attempt to change things up. There is not a single positive thing to say about the job you have done for this team.
Lindy Ruff
Coach, you see this powerplay, right? Do something about the performance! Stop being afraid of making a change behind the bench because you are afraid of how it will make you look for hiring him in the first place. You would be looked at in a much more positive light if you just manned up and fired Recchi and freed the fan base of this god-awful power play. Your lineup decisions are also questionable. I know with the minor covid outbreak and injury bug sometimes you do not have a choice. I am talking about before that happened you were still making questionable decisions such as playing Mason Geertsen on nights he does not need to be played. I am an old-school guy, I fully believe in having toughness in the lineup. But isn’t that why Nathan Bastian is back with the team? We do not need another tough guy in taking time away from a skillful player that this team desperately lacks.
Nico Hischier
My man you are the captain, start acting like it. Aside from having Covid again, you have put up an abysmal performance on the score sheet for a first-line center. Yeah, I know the analytics nerds will come for me, believe me, you are next. Regardless of the fact that you are 22 and considered a playmaker by hockey terms, having three goals on the season is ridiculously low. Come back from this holiday break and get to work captain, we still believe in you but you do have a ticking clock.
Ownership
I have never been a fan of Harris Blitzer Sports Entertainment. I think they have ruined fan experiences at the rock. Perks have gone downhill especially when you pay for an all-inclusive ticket. When the team is this bad you look towards the rest of the arena to try and enhance your experience and this group has done nothing but take us backward. Food perks and quality have gone way down. Prices have done nothing but go way up. It is barely enjoyable to go to a game anymore.
Devils Fans
Oh, I am going to have a field day with this one. You bunch of whining, complaining, losing culture cry babies. Crying that the season is over already and that it is time to tank in December. There are 52 GAMES left! That is 104 possible points left to pick up and they are only eight points out of the wild card spot. That is literally four wins. Now look, I am not saying this team is going to the playoffs. I never had that expectation for this team ever. My expectation is that this team would show signs of improvement and give good signs for the 22-23 season. Are we in a tough stretch right now as fans? Absolutely. But to give up in December?
I have never seen a more pathetic group of fans in my entire life and I am a New York Giants fan. Let that sink in. To say this season is completely sunk in December when the only expectation was to be competitive, and there are still 52 games left to turn it around? I am so glad I do not have any of your sports fandoms. It must be really miserable to constantly think like that about your hockey team. Obviously, this does not apply to all of you, but certainly at least half of you. That half is by far the worst thing wrong with this organization. Jump ship already and do not come back for when this team finally turns it around and those that stayed loyal get to enjoy it.
I challenge all offended to try and pin me in the feats of strength to end Festivus.